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President Urges Americans to Travel More After Capture of T-Shirt Bandit


06:02 p.m. PST  -- 2 February 2003

(Click on photos for larger image) 

Attorney General Aschcroft

Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has seen his hair go from black to white from the stress of the T-Shirt Bandit case.  He is seen here with an invisible friend near his office playing checkers with bags of peanuts.

Bush girls at party

Jenna and Barbara Bush (somewhere in photograph) and friends celebrate the President's announcement at the Bush family house in Connecticut.

President Bush: "It is finally safe to wear T-shirts again."

Washington, D.C. (CNews) -- Yesterday, President Bush congratulated the FBI for the capture of the T-Shirt Bandit.  Bush, speaking from the rose garden, told a group of FBI agents: " I'm proud and America is proud of your determination and skill and for making travel safe again."  Bush also said: " This evil one can do not more harm. It is safe to take T-shirts to the beach again."  Bush closed his speech with what has been taken as a joke: "now only if someone could make a chewless pretzel, we would all truly be safe."

Unnamed Washington sources report that the Office of Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge had made the capture of the T-Shirt Bandit one of his highest priorities.  Ridge has yet to publicly comment on the case. Our same unnamed source has said that Ridge's health has suffered greatly from the incredible stress of this case.  Ridge reportedly had been running around the White House for weeks muttering the phrase "boxers or briefs?" and then laughing hysterically.  

President Bush's daughters, Jenna and Barbara, were especially thrilled by this change of events.  They immediately donned T-shirts and said they were "going out for a little drink."

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Related Stories:  FBI Wanted Poster | President Bush's Comments | Foot Fetish?

A fictional news story created by Rachel Rose for Howard Besser's Development of Cultural Information Sources Using Digital Multimedia Winter 2002 UCLA Department of Information Studies

Last updated on: February 21, 2002